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REVIEWING THE (UK) CHARTS 2018: Ep. 6
This is one of those episodes that’s going to be kind of slap-dash, I’m not even going to tag this on Tumblr or promote it anywhere else on Twitter; I just want to get this over with because nothing’s happening this week at all that is of any interest, except the top ten. Top 10 *HOW?! This is the first time on this show that I’ve been so flabbergasted at a song’s success. How is “God’s Plan” by Drake still at the top?! I can’t remember anything from it other than how he nasally says “God’s plan, God’s plan” in the outro. This is so incredibly boring and useless, why is “Diplomatic Immunity” failing? That was a decent track. *In other much better news, our first new top ten entry is “These Days” by Rudimental featuring Jess Glynne, Macklemore and Dan Caplen, which landed nice spaces up at the runner-up spot, which is great because this song is pretty nice to say the least. *”Barking” by Ramz went down a space to number-three. It’s falling, Van’s yawning. However, I have to admire how happy Ramz is. He’s adorable. *”IDGAF” by Dua Lipa stays at number-four. *”River” by Eminem featuring Ed Sheeran has gone down two spaces to number-five, but it might rebound due to that video. *”This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble rises two spaces to number-six, and while I like the song, I really do not want a movie soundtrack single to be in the top five. *Cardi B’s remix of “Finesse” by Bruno Mars finally goes up two spaces back to number-seven after losing a lot of his traction. *”Tip Toe” by Jason Derulo featuring French Montana is down two spaces, sadly, to number-eight. *As soon as I praise the song on my best list, “Feel it Still” by Portugal. The Man goes up four spaces to number-nine, becoming our second new top ten entry... finally! It took you about a year. *Oh, and “Never be the Same” by Camila Cabello rebounds by four spots to number-ten to finish off our top ten, but who cares about that trash heap of a single? Let’s get to the climbers. Climbers Nothing’s happened. No, I’m serious, nothing’s happened. Okay, maybe “Fine Line” by Mabel featuring Not3s rose five spaces from #22 to #17, and maybe Justin Timberlake’s album gave a nine-space boost to “Say Something” featuring Chris Stapleton up to #24, as well as Kendrick Lamar and SZA having the same treatment with “All the Stars” at #28, but other than that and “For You (Fifty Shades Freed)” by Liam Payne and Rita Ora rising five spots to #18, there’s nothing interesting to see here. Fallers Fallers are a different story, however, with some absolutely massive drops for earlier January hits and late 2017 hits. “I Know You” by Craig David and Bastille, as well as “I Miss You” by Clean Bandit and Julia Michaels, took a seven-space fall to #12 and a whopping 19-space leap to #31, respectively. “Let You Down” was let down hard, falling 20 spaces to #35. “17” by MK also barely holds on, zooming down 21 spaces to #38. Also, normally, I wouldn’t talk about “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran dropping down one space to #19 as it doesn’t deserve any more attention, but BBC lists the duet version still and the official UK Chart Company lists the solo version. Just thought I’d talk about that. Dropouts “Walk It Talk It” by Migos featuring Drake drops out from #31, as it should, due to the streaming numbers falling after the initial release. “Game Changer” by MIST has dropped out from #35 after the debut, and “Diplomatic Immunity” by Drakegrassi has sadly dropped out from #36. Other dropouts include “Let Me Down” by Jorja Smith featuring Stormzy and “Dimelo” by Rak-Su featuring Naughty Boy and Wyclef Jean from #39 and #40 respectively. Returning Entries For the first time ever on this show, we have a returning entry, and that is Justin Timberlake’s “Filthy” at #34 thanks to the album. No, it does not work in the context of the album at all, and honestly, all it’s done is make it even more jarring. I still hate this song with a passion and I think I always will. It’s just so Timber-lame, as was that pun. Let’s move on to the new arrivals. 'NEW ARRIVALS' #39 – “Let Me Go” – Hailee Steinfeld and Alesso featuring Florida Georgia Line and Watt This took so long to chart here, and it’s no surprise, since it’s just a bunch of unrecognisable B-listers making a boring pop song with nothing of interest to talk about. I know I’ve been saying everything is boring, but it really is with this song and the charts right now. Hailee sounds okay over the fake finger-snaps, but the switch to the chorus is very jarring and took me off guard. The drop sounds very empty as well, maybe Watt could clear up some of the synth with a guitar solo? Of course not, it’s a pop song, I’m kidding myself. Florida Georgia Line are tolerable but I don’t understand why they’re here at all. The lyrics are generic, and it’s just one of the most uninteresting songs I’ve reviewed on this show. But don’t mistake, Drake takes the cake for that accolade, definitely. This is just boring. Really boring. #33 – “Check” – Kojo Funds featuring RAYE I wasn’t expecting a seductive Latin guitar to start a Kojo Funds song, but it really fits and I dig it plenty, especially with the soft bubbling mix of dancehall and trap percussion. It’s too bad that RAYE sounds God-awful, and Kojo Funds is just hilariously pathetic, with his corny lines about RAYE being “his Nintendo”. For God’s sake, specify, dude! His ad-libs are also very awkward, to the point where he’s crooning “ooh, wee” in the pre-chorus. Lest we forget this song is seemingly about Kojo allowing a gold digger to engage in sexual and romantic activities with him if she allows him to smoke marijuana. I’m not mad, just disappointed. #27 – “Jumanji” – B Young More Latin guitar intros for autotuned faux-reggae, I see. At least the last one lead to more than twinkling synth leads that sound like a music box, which is very unfitting when the song’s about B Young (terrible stage name) putting a big-booty girl’s body through the testing and fling-flinging off them panties. The main metaphor of this song is also very flawed. Why would anyone, let alone your peng ting called Ashanti, want to live life like Jumanji? She wants to take risks and chances like a board game, but why specifically Jumanji? Does she want to die? Because I sure do after listening to this song. Yikes. #15 – “Pray for Me” – Kendrick Lamar featuring The Weeknd Finally, the big debut of the week, “Pray for Me”, the next single off the underwhelming Black Panther soundtrack, and I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t anything but cheap and boring. The Weeknd sounds rather stiff on a beat that wouldn’t sound out of place on the super-deluxe version of Humanz – yes, it’s that cheap-sounding. The beat hardly develops during the chorus, just adding a few incredibly ineffective strings and backing vocals that do not interest or excite me at all, they just add more to the bore that is this song. Not even Kendrick can save this song with a killer verse, no, he just provides an uninteresting verse that doesn’t show off his skill or talent as well as it could have. Also, the choir vocalising during the bridge is grating. If you want a good song from that soundtrack, check out “Paramedic!” featuring SOBxRBE. Now that’s a banger! Oh, yeah, this song is just sleep-inducing. Nice try, but this warrants nothing more than a ‘good effort’ badge from me. Conclusion Hot take: Kendrick Lamar is starting to tire me, and is becoming oversaturated on the charts, however, it will not change since I predict some changes in the charts to come next week off the soundtrack release by Kendrick Lamar, featuring all his labelmates at Top Dawg Entertainment. This week, however, was such a non-entity that I don’t think any of these songs deserve anything that would give them a title, even if it were negative. These songs are on the edge of non-existence, they’re so forgettable. See you next week for the next episode, and see you in a few days’ time for the worst list. Goodbye. Category:2018 Category:Music Category:Songs Category:Lyrics Category:Mrs Chanandler Bong Category:Reviewing the Charts